Kids, cops, coloring and a crossword puzzle!

With activity books like this it’s no wonder why young kids don’t take cops seriously. Even if I was five years old today, if some cop, parent, teacher, librarian, babysitter or other authority figure gave this to me as a means of educating me about this type of nonsense, I can imagine that I would be thinking the five-year-old equivalent of, “Are you fucking serious right now?” Which would probably translate to something like, “I could be on the internet or whatever right now. I don’t wanna color this dumb police lady book. I’m not a little four-year-old baby. I play Xbox 360 now and stuff.”

The thing that doesn’t make any sense is that I got a hold of this pretty recently from a booth at a small community event/get together/thing. I’m sure that all the tax money burned on making copies of this assemblage of junk could’ve amounted to some cop somewhere buying a totally sweet, not at all practical fantasy knife.

Could this have come out any worse? I’m pretty sure computer design and printing technologies have far surpassed the line art vomit on the cover of this activity book since whenever this image was actually created. It’s not 1985. Totally unacceptable.


Telepathic communication while on the phone with a cop? I’m lost. Does this mean cops can read children’s minds? Or is it the other way around? And if it’s really an emergency, then why is the kid so casual about the emergency situation? His toast/kitchen/food supply are going to be irreversibly fucked if he doesn’t do anything about the situation…and he’s calm? I’d be losing my mind. All I’d be thinking is, “Fuck, I’m gonna be grounded forever,” over and over again.

Also:
-How can a toaster catch fire when it’s both unplugged and has a slice of white bread not even all the way in it?
-Clearly, if you can see a remote/identify it, then it isn’t lost is it?.
-How is a kid going to fly a kite when there isn’t a piece of string attached to it long enough to allow that kid to gleefully frolic through an open field or beach?

Thanks for confusing and lying to America’s children.

Someone’s gotta color this and send it in.

Again, someone needs to finish this and send it in or leave an image of the completed puzzle as a comment. Creative answers are obviously encouraged.

Leave a comment

Filed under commentary, garbage

Martin Wong Fully Endorses Stephen Chow

The above list of Stephen Chow movies was scribbled down in an incredibly short amount of time by Martin Wong after a Q&A that the two editors of Giant Robot (Martin Wong and Eric Nakamura) did when they came to Chicago last April. Somehow I managed to both hold on to this scrap of paper and not get this short list up here until now, but I still feel like these movies are worth checking out, so…

Stephen Chow is most famous in America for Kung Fu Hustle, but he isn’t as big of a deal here as he should be. I hadn’t seen much of anything that he had done, but saw God Of Gamblers II a few months prior, so I asked Martin if he had any recommendations. What you see above is what he provided. A lot of these movies are pretty hard to get in the U.S., but that doesn’t mean they’re impossible to find. If worse comes to worse, you can always go to yesasia.com.

Keep in mind that just because this list was written on a random envelope as fast as possible doesn’t mean that you can’t take these recommendations seriously.

Giant Robot features Stephen Chow in their 53rd issue. Just sayin’.

Leave a comment

Filed under film

Not LEGO, MEGO (or maybe it’s more like ME-go?).

Loving The Machine author Timothy N. Hornyak recently brought to my attention a little site called MegoMuseum.com…and honestly, I’m a little pissed I forgot to tell (re-tell?) the world about it right away. Why wouldn’t you want to look at a site that’s full of awesome crap like what you see below?

Also, be sure to check out Mego 8″ Super-Heroes: World’s Greatest Toys!, a book devoted to Mego toys from days gone by.

1 Comment

Filed under anime, Comics, garbage, tokusatsu, toys

TOTAL HATE

“Hey boys! Ready to party?”

“Hell fuckin’ yeah I’m ready party!!!”

“Sorry, I can’t tonight, but I’ll see you on the internet! Right?”

Leave a comment

Filed under garbage

Monsters & Nonsense: “Useless” Japanese: Part 2

The following nonsense is courtesy of a wretched amalgamation of a manga called Giant Monster Battle: Ultra Adventure (大怪獣バトルウルトラアドベンチャー) and some online translation tools. Just like last time, I pretty much only put this list of words and phrases together for my own benefit, but I figured it could only help the betterment of all mankind if I posted the list here.

A few words of advice: using what you can learn below in the presence of other human beings in any variety of social gatherings has the potential to elicit an incredibly wide range of responses. However, I doubt that any of such responses will sound anything like, “Your Japanese is so good!”

Just sayin’…

what it means

how it’s pronounced

how it’s written

to be destroyed

ho-roh-“B”-roo

滅びる

to be born

oo-mah-ray-roo

生まれる

real / genuine article

hohn-mo-no

本物

I wonder

kah-she-rah

かしら

spaceship

oo-chew-sen

宇宙船

spaceport

oo-chew-me-nah-to

宇宙港

Let’s go!

you-koh-zay

行こうぜ

to ride in / to board

noh-rew

乗る

You’re kidding!

mah-tah-mah-tah

またまた

Look!

hoh-rah

ほら

groin / crotch

mah-tah

No way!

mah-sah-ka

まさか

EMERGENCY!

keen-“Q”-“G”-tie

緊急事態

to appear

ah-rah-wah-ray-rew

現れる

destruction / extinction

zeh-tsu-meh-tsu

絶滅

Why? / how

doh-she-tay

どうして

escape / getaway

knee-geh

逃げ

It really is too bad that there weren’t any funnier computer generated results, but I wouldn’t be surprised if funnier stuff showed up in upcoming pages of the manga. My buddies, Google Translate and rikaichan helped shit out the computer generated translations below:

滅びちゃった

came out as

Perish my pants

行こうぜ

came out as

Let’s go brittle

Again, all errors are of course my own. Corrections are obviously encouraged.

Leave a comment

Filed under manga, tokusatsu

“Screaming, Savage Blood Death!”

After I heard a radio spot for The Corpse Grinders a month or so ago, I felt like I had to see it the first chance I got. Somewhere along the line (maybe from The Horrors Of It All?) I found out that the plot revolved around deranged, flesh eating cats. Deranged, human flesh-eating cats. After I found that out, I had no reason not to watch this schlock as soon as I possibly could. Not only did I decide that I had to watch it, but that I had to take screen shots of it too. It’s that bad. Bad in the best way possible.

If you’re looking for a review of The Corpse Grinders, I suggest going here. Or you could just watch the trailer and scroll through the screen shots below and save yourself the time. That suggestion might actually be a little unfair as I definitely back this movie, and I see no reason why you shouldn’t either. Take a look at the screens below and Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under film, garbage, horror

Weekend Nachos VS. Harm’s Way – Subterranean – 07.15.08

The title of the post says it all. There’s honestly not Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under events, hardcore