Heavy Metal Parking Lot: Metalhead Idiocy Immortalized

It’s movies like this that I have to insist on everyone watching at least once; assuming that they’re somewhat in touch with stuff that doesn’t suck.

Before YouTube, before anything close to what people commonly refer to as viral videos, there were irredeemable pieces of shit being shown at theaters across the country for decades. Sure there were diamonds among the sludge, but so much of the rest of that schlock had nowhere near as much appeal as Heavy Metal Parking Lot; and it never even had a proper theatrical release! Heavy Metal Parking Lot as a concept isn’t really that extraordinary, but the results certainly are. Watch it for yourself and see if you can muster up enough of an argument to say otherwise.

The weirdos you see in Heavy Metal Parking Lot will always be stuck in 1986, and they will forever be more than stoked on seeing Judas Priest somewhere in Maryland. The majority of them will also look like total assholes until the end of time.

The screenshots below are some of the highlights of the documentary. I can’t guarantee it, but clicking on any of the images below will probably make you feel better about yourself. Feel free to ignore the captions.

We can only hope that the inside of this car smells like pure, unadulterated, metal shredding adrenaline. Unfortunately, it’s too bad that we can safely assume that it smells like hot Tab and bongwater soaked foam sedan interior.

Totally flaming!

If your older brother, uncle, parents or neighbor dressed anything like this, PLEASE send me a photo!

THE LOT

I really hope those sunglasses cost an embarrassing amount of cash.

So alone.

Not impressed.

At this point it almost becomes less and less amusing seeing and hearing drunk white trash yell, “JUDAS PRIEST!!!” every chance they get. Almost.

Slayer half-shirts are not Slayer shirts.

The second best performance in Heavy Metal Parking Lot.

We’ll assume that none of these dudes had ever heard of The Bones Brigade at that point in their (sad and/or empty?) lives.

Not a bad idea.

Metal, alcohol, and Army/Navy surplus stores: solvin’ problems since ’86!

Try and keep the vomit in your mouth. It gets worse.

It would’ve been nice to see some passion guys.
No innovation at all. Not impressed.

Best dude?

So childish, but so awesome.

The star of the entire documentary. Where is this dude now?!

Too bad that zebra print wasn’t tattooed on his chest.

“Heavy metal rules…all that punk shit sucks. It’s doesn’t belong in this world…
IT BELONGS ON FUCKIN’ MARS MAN! What the hell is punk shit?”
Actual quote.

What? You thought that the magic stopped with his shirt?

Easily the worst dressed savage at this event. Note the jar.

I really hope these brainiacs got so wasted that they never made it inside.

How bummed would you be if one of these wastes of flesh was your son?

These gentlemen clearly have no reason not to be jovial.

Most genuinely awesome dudes. Hands down.

“I ga teh ticket!”

…and supremely awesome talents worth documenting!
(I actually have no idea what’s up with those chompers.)

So surprised this kid managed to get interviewed before getting beat up.

Babe(s?).

Lee Ving‘s dad?

Groupies.
…not kidding.

How could you not take this dude seriously?

How could you not take Priest seriously?

Especially in those fucking pants!

If these men of metal don’t sear your eyeballs blind…

then they’ve taken measures to see to it that you go absolutely deaf.
At least it would’ve been for a good reason right?

Thanks for reading/looking/silently chuckling to yourself in awe of these poor fools’ unique, unenviable splendor.

Check out more related nonsense at HeavyMetalParkingLot.com.

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Filed under film, garbage, metal, reviews

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